Saturday, November 20, 1999

Thanks for Giving

Well shiver my timbers and call me Popeye, it's getting to be that time of year again. Children everywhere are making hand-shaped turkeys, indian headresses and funny-looking hats. The stock price for my construction paper, pipe cleaner and paste consortium is going through the roof. Must be time for Thanksgiving.

Seems like just yesterday, I was handing out Chinese meat-flavored candy to all the little ghosts, goblins, Darth Mauls and Pikachus that came to my door on Halloween, and now Thanksgiving is barreling down upon us like a rabid weasel chased by South American killer bees.
You know, they say time moves faster the older you get. That must be why my daddy moves so slow all the time -- either that or the whole broken hip thing.

Anyway, enough philosophical mumbo-jerry. We've got us a holiday to plan for!

Now, I don't know what Thanksgiving is like at your house, but chez Ray, it's one giant killer whale of a party..

My entire family, including my six brothers and their wives, my eighteen nieces and nephews, and of course, our beloved childhood pet, Nanapoo the shihtzu terrier (he's deaf, blind and explosively incontinent, but he's so cute and it gives the kids something to do), arrives around noon. Gosh, but the kids are smart as a whippet every one of 'em! My nephew's award-winning diorama
The ties that bind
After a few cocktails and a quick game of Twister, it's time to settle down to dinner. It's a shame that Daddy isn't able to make it for the holidays anymore. Fortunately, Beauregard, my youngest brother, sets up the satellite teleconference to the nursing home so he can lead us in our Thanksgiving prayer.
I remember when I was a boy of eleven, my Daddy used to tell me "Snuffy" -- that's what he called me. He'd say, "Snuffy, if there's one thing in life that you can aspire to, it's being able to sit at the head of a table filled with your loved ones and leading them in a moment of simple prayer. There's nothing like having the direct line to an angry, vengeful god in front of your kids -- lets 'em know what it's all about."

Of course these days, my Daddy's prayer tends to trail off a bit. Last year, as Daddy was attempting to call a thunderbolt from the heavens to decimate an orderly he thought was stealing Bosco from his room, my sister Lulubelle finally switched off the sound and we tucked in to our delectable holiday feast.

Now, I know most families have Turkey at Thanksgiving. Some folks take their own path and serve a glazed ham. A few mavericks in the upper midwest might even have duck or venison at their table. But, let's face it, Allied Chemical products have fed, sheltered and clothed this family our whole lives, so it just seems wrong to switch to anything else just because that's what some religious fanatics with little to no fashion sense had for dinner a few hundred years ago.
Besides, it's amazing just how turkeylike (or turkeyesque for you smarty-pants out there) hamspread loaf can be. Consuela, my personal chef, forms it into a turkey shape and stuffs it with a lovely bread crumb and Blobster stuffing. Top that off with a healthy dollop of mashed potatoes (buttered with All-Purpose Spray, naturally), and you've got yourself a meal that will make you wiggle and squirm with delight at the first forkful!

Filled with the delicious, wholesome goodness of hamspread and lobster substitute, it's time for some good old fashioned family bonding.
The men retire to the television room (I've got thirty two in there now) for an afternoon of football, macanudos, brandy, heavy betting and Consuela's fabulous half-time show.,img src="">

I think the ladies and children do something, but I'm really not certain what that is.

I suppose the message here is Thanksgiving is about family. Where are you without family during the holidays? Alone with a cold hard lump in your throat, acid reflux further down your esophagus, and a sickening sense of the horrifying isolation of modern life in your stomach, that's where.

So Happy Thanksgiving to you and yours from all of us here at Allied Chemical. Don't forget to spend time with your loved ones this year, and GO DUKE!

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