Tools of the trade
You know, ham spread doesn't make itself, but thanks to the equipment designed by the good people at Allied Chemical it comes darn close! Here, for the first time anywhere, is an overview of some of the ultra-sophisticated equipment involved in making the world's best ham spread!

AC-29988-Q Meat-Former

The problem with meat is that it comes in all different shapes and sizes. Unless you're one of those chaos theory lunatics, you know that that kind of variety is just plain unscientific, and, we suspect, patently un-American.

So, before any of the meat used in Farmer Fred's even begins the Ham Spread process, we run it through the AC-29988-Q Meat Former, which slices, dices, shapes and compresses meat into the handy bar shapes you see here.

Order out of chaos, isn't that what life is all about?

AC-4559 Grind-O-Matic Tertiary Grinder

Other processed ham products may grind their meat once, some may even grind it twice. We at Allied Chemical chuckle to ourselves when we think of them.

You see, we feel we owe it to you, the consumer to run our meat through three different grinders to get it just right.

Sure, we could cut corners and do it like the other guys -- you probably wouldn't even be able to tell the difference. But, we'd know. We'd always know and to be honest, we don't think we could live with ourselves.

The AC-2553 Emulsifier

After the meat has been thrice ground, it's time to load it into the AC-2553 Emulsifier.

Don't be alarmed by the brown color you see here, as the effect is strictly temporary -- the ham spread will be "in the pink" before you know it!

We here at Allied Chemical take justifiable pride in the quality workmanship and consistently excellent performance of the AC-2553. As a matter of fact, the AC-2553 has been named "Emulsifier of the Year" for twenty years running by the trade magazine Emulsification Weekly.

Liqu-Tron 2000

We can't really go into detail about the use of this particular piece of equipment, as it is an integral part of the extremely secret process of chemical enrichment which gives our ham spread it's healthy pink hue.

Let's just say the Liqu-Tron 2000 is a gift from some friends from out of town. Way out of town.

Frankly, we've said too much already. Just look at it and don't ask questions, okay?