Saturday, January 1, 2000






Happy New Year everyone.
Marketing Director, Percy Grumby II here. The darndest thing
has happened. It seems Alex Ray Jr., our beloved C.E.O., has
been locked into his underground survival bunker. The details are
a tad fuzzy right now, but it seems he witnessed what he interpreted at
the time to be the first sign of Y2K failure at the Happydale Campus
(but was in fact a temporary power outage due to a drunken chemist
attempting to microwave Jiffy Pop during the millennial changeover),
and bolted for the survival bunker, per the Allied
Chemical Y2K Apocalypse Strategy Handbook, Section 8.3-8.7.


Drunken Chemist




















A bourbon stained message was taped
to the survival bunker airlock door upon which was scrawled, "HA HA
SUCKERS! THE END IS NIGH. I SHALL RETURN TO REBUILD YOUR SHATTERED
WORLD IN MY IMAGE. THE SQUIDS AREN'T GOING TO INHERIT THE EARTH THIS
TIME" Also with the note was a drawing of what appeared to be a WW2
aircraft gunning down some sort of giant squid.

We tried like mad to let him know everything
was fine, no honestly we did. Sadly, initial all-clear reports sent to
the bunker were ignored (again, this is consistent with the provisions
of the Allied Chemical Y2K Apocalypse Strategy
Handbook, Section 9.5-9.9). Finally we were able to establish
and maintain contact with Mr. Ray via the Allied Chemical Pneumatic
tube network, and a mid 50's manual Smith Corona Typewriter.



From A.Ray. 1/3/00
800 hours

Well gosh that was a HELL of a
New
Years party. Every New Years it seems like I pull some sort of
boner that comes back to haunt me, but this is no simple lampshade-on-the-head
antic, or unwitting conversion to Islamic Fundamentalism.
Yessiree -- I do seem to have gotten myself into a bit of a pickle barrel
this year.

I sort of jumped the gun on that whole
End of the World thing. But what do you expect? If flickering
lights, showers of sparks and the smell of burnt popcorn
don't make you think it's all over, well, you're made of sterner stuff
than I am me bucko. Hit the anti-mutant repulsor shield first,
and ask questions later, that's what I say.


Sanford and Son

So, the long and short of it is, I
locked myself down here. 'Course the kicker is the calendar for
the time lock reads Jan. 3, 1900. I guess them round boys
forgot to make the necessary adjustments and I've been told we're looking
at a few months before you get to see my bright shining face topside.

Despite the unfortunate problem with the
door, some things seem to be working well. The water decontamination
system is humming along like a pack of malaria ridden mosquitoes,
the auto-prod medical diagnostic center is running like a charm,
and the food stores are fully stocked with Farmer Fred's Happydale Hamspread
and Blobster. My silver jumpsuit fits like a kid glove,
and I've got the entire run of Sanford & Son on laser disc.

On the other hand, my Coleco Electronic
Football game is running down, and I forgot to bring any damn 9-volt
batteries!






Now, I'm not complaining, mind you.
I certainly don't want to be one of those needle-nosed bellyachers
who actually seemed let down by our failure to degenerate into bloodthirsty
mobs looting the local convenience store, and declaring their block
as a new independent republic. Now honestly, who'd really think
that a bunch of Gap-wearing, Olive-Garden eating, cul-de-sac
dwellers were gonna get all Rambo on us? Did anyone really
believe we'd be besieged by Ford Explorers and Subaru Outbacks
bearing down on Wal-Mart, their freshly welded machine gun turrets
blazing in the night?










Prom Queen		I mean, of course that's what I thought
when I locked myself in here, but come on, it was New Years Eve, the power
was out, and I was as drunk as a prom queen. Guess I snapped.










Anyway, it's all going to be OK.
I'll be here in my bunker running the company from below.
All is well. My every possible need is met here, and what better
way to spend the winter than with a nearly inexhaustible supply of the
most versatile food known to humanity, Farmer Fred's Happydale Hamspread?
What more could I need? Well, I could use the company of my on-again,
off-again love interest, the lovely Brigitte Bardot, but I've got
the tech boys working on that one.
Brigitte Bardot


So Happy New Year everyone. Nice
to see it's all good for another day.

The funny thing is, I still don't know
exactly what I meant about the squids.






# posted by Alex Ray : Saturday, January 01, 2000  0 Comments Links to this post  

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