Thursday, June 3, 1999

There is a New Head Buckaroo

There's a New Head Buckaroo

By Alex Ray
Chairman and Chief Executive Officer
Jumpin' horny toads, I've been busier than
a long-tailed cat in a room full of Freemasons! Ever
since I set foot on the grounds of Allied Chemical's Happydale
, seems I've been raising quite the ruckus!

See, I'm the new Head Buckaroo
of this here cattle ranch. I even tried to get that painted on my
door. I just liked the sound of it -- Alex Ray, Head Buckaroo,
but then I forgot to tell the fella & he left for the day.

It's always tough being the new boss.
Everybody's nervous around you, walking on eggshells, 'cause they're
wondering what's gonna happen. Who is this guy? What's he going
to be like? Do I still have a job? Will he find out about my
side business selling printer supplies?

Seems like I can't use my air horn
without the mail boy wetting himself and diving behind the ficus

Well, I just can't work in that kind of
environment of fear and mistrust. That's why it's always
been my policy to fire every one I come in contact with during my
first week at any new job and replace them with fraternity brothers.
Gives me a warm feeling to know there's a fellow Deke in the office
next door.

Not to belittle my predecessor,
but that boy was dull. Dull as a...dull as a...oh Hell, that
boy was so dull I can't even think of a metaphor.

Had to get the office repainted to start
with -- nothing but beige everywhere. Beige walls, beige desk,
beige phone, beige carpet, beige paintings. Well, he's living
off his beige parachute in the Happydale Retirement Complex now
that he's gone. As a matter of fact the only thing I found that wasn't
beige was this black rubber mask with this bright red ball on a strap.
Guess it was his thinkin' cap or something.

A Very Dull Man

The Very Exciting
ZaSu Pitts

So now I've got the office exactly how
I want it. I like a lot of stuff around. Stimulates
my mind -- my collection of implements of medieval torture, life
size wax replica of ZaSu Pitts, trophies from various kills.
Sometimes I hide behind my eight foot stuffed grizzly bear and scare the
out of my secretary when she comes in. Anything to break up the day.

And that's what it's all about, isn't
You gotta break up the day. Otherwise you're just another
mindless drone. And if there's one thing we don't need, it's
another mindless drone. We've got plenty of those in the Finance

Whoo Nellie, have I got plans for them!
I'm headin' down there right now with a Super Soaker and a bag
of tacks
. Let the games begin!

Oh...and don't you dare forget...

It's a better world...through

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