Monday, January 3, 2000

Report from the Bunker

Hey ho everybody, it's me Percy
Allied's Marketing Director. As you may recall from
our last entry, Alex ray inadvertently trapped himself in his private bunker
due to a rather unfortunately jiffy pop incident. Now thanks to shoddy workmanship
in one of the lead-lined corners we have been able to at least get a lap
top squeezed through to him one of those super slim Sony jobs, (thanks
Hiro!) We've been working hard in Mr. Ray's absence -- productivity
has been up across the board. But still, things have been awful dull
without our leader around to keep us on our toes -- we haven't had to hire
new cleaning people for at least a month!

Well fortunately, through the miracle
of the internet, we can at least bask in Mr. Ray's pearls of wisdom.
So, without further ado: Alex Ray...

Goodness Gracious Godness Agnes,
what a month it's been. I'd been trapped down in this bunker with
nothing to occupy my mind but my Sanford & Son laserdiscs.
After about three episodes, however, I realized that this was not what
I had in mind -- I thought I was stocking the bunker with episodes of that
show about Rock Hudson solving crimes with his wife, man she was
hot. After a while though the bespectacled geek squad upstairs
figured out how to get one of them laptop computer jobbies down
here to me so I could finally get some work done.

Of course, the problem is, I haven't been
able to get much work done because I discovered this internet thing.
Have you heard about this? Apparently, I can connect to any one of
a truckload of different "websites" from around the whole world.
The whole damn world! Why didn't anyone tell me before?
Did I miss a memo or something?

Anyway, I figure I need to
get in on this trend before it catches on and gets completely
out of hand. I bet there's a whole bushel and peck of cash to be
made on it.

Macmilln and Wife

For example, there's this "eBay"
thing. It's an "auction" site. What auctions have to
do with the word "bay" or the letter "e" I don't know.
On the other hand, a lot of folks seem to be making a killing off of stuff
they've got lying around their house, so I suppose they know what they're

Now, I've always prided myself on being
a dyed-in-the-wool capitalist, and I've always lived by the axiom
that everything has a price, but eBay is living proof! I mean, EVERYTHING
is for sale on this blasted thing...stamps, spatulas, star wars toys,
and those damn annoying beanie babies. What is it about beanie babies,
anyway? Apparently sane grown men and women are willing to spend
hundreds of dollars on a senior citizen's craft day project called Squirty
the Clam
. Good gawd Y'all. Of course I did pick up the
KISS set -- you can't be too careful.

At the top of this list, the holy grail
of eBay products, is used underwear. Now I've never thought
of used underwear as a particularly lucrative commodity, but apparently,
thanks to the large number of middle-aged Japanese businessmen in
the world, used women's underwear goes for $300-400 (US) -- that is if
it belonged to a particular type of woman (cheerleader, dancer, nun).

Well, a little light went off in the old
Alex Ray noggin right then and there. I got right on the horn
to my assistant and told her to go right out and get as much used
as she could lay her hands on. Two days later,
I was set up as a full-out eBay seller with a full line of used
undergarments ready for sale.

This could be yours for the right price

Every single one of them in High
Heel shoes

Much like these

Now, I figured, it was time
to branch out of the usual stripper/schoolgirl world and diversify
into more unusual types of previous underwear owners. The results
were darn fascinating; Methodist Sunday school teacher was a big
seller, public school lunch lady not so much . Suburban
soccer mom
was huge (must be the thought of all that time commuting
in the minivan), but I took a bath on the Incontinent Rodeo Clown.

Flushed with the success of underwear,
I noticed there were an awful lot of people out there buying used shoes
too! Now that one knocked me flatter than a boll weevil on the business
end of a Mack truck. I mean, underwear I suppose I can understand
-- it's spent some time around some body parts that people are understandably
fascinated by -- but what's exciting about a foot? It's a
foot, for Allah's sake! Still, never let it be said I didn't give
the people what they want. Besides, I've got about three hundred
folks working in our plant on our private island nation of Farnaq
and they don't seem to mind that every Wednesday is Stilletto Heel Day
(okay, the fellas were a little reluctant at first, but it's amazing what
the power of the dollar can do -- or in this case, the power of the nickel).

Just goes to show you there is a market for
just about anything, well anything but the Jalepeno hickory hamspread
flavored lollipops.
Heads rolled for that one -- hated to fire
my daddy but it had to be done.

Now back about this here internet thingy
, I'll tell you it is a bit distracting. I keep meaning to be working
on the Outer Mongolia Hamspread sales projection spread sheets, but then
my mouse starts to get a hankering for something different.
Something daring. Something naughty. I was on
one site and they had a lady that you could talk to and she did things
on camera for money...we played cards. I beat her by
10 points in rummy.

I also got to look at our very own site,
they actually do put up these little missives I write every month
-- who knew? The one thing I do know is that I got to get me
another picture, especially now since they haven't been able to get a
razor down here, and I look somewhat like Dan Hagerty (TV's Grizzly

Who knows? I may even keep the old
chin carpet -- either that or shave it down to those really cool sideburns
Neil Young had in Buffalo Springfield.

TV'S Grizzly Addams

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