Hey ho everybody, it's me Percy Allied Chemical.com's Marketing Director. As you may recall from our last entry, Alex ray inadvertently trapped himself in his private bunker due to a rather unfortunately jiffy pop incident. Now thanks to shoddy workmanship in one of the lead-lined corners we have been able to at least get a lap top squeezed through to him one of those super slim Sony jobs, (thanks Hiro!) We've been working hard in Mr. Ray's absence -- productivity has been up across the board. But still, things have been awful dull without our leader around to keep us on our toes -- we haven't had to hire new cleaning people for at least a month!
Well fortunately, through the miracle of the internet, we can at least bask in Mr. Ray's pearls of wisdom. So, without further ado: Alex Ray... |
Goodness Gracious Godness Agnes, what a month it's been. I'd been trapped down in this bunker with nothing to occupy my mind but my Sanford & Son laserdiscs. After about three episodes, however, I realized that this was not what I had in mind -- I thought I was stocking the bunker with episodes of that show about Rock Hudson solving crimes with his wife, man she was hot. After a while though the bespectacled geek squad upstairs figured out how to get one of them laptop computer jobbies down here to me so I could finally get some work done.
Of course, the problem is, I haven't been able to get much work done because I discovered this internet thing. Have you heard about this? Apparently, I can connect to any one of a truckload of different "websites" from around the whole world. The whole damn world! Why didn't anyone tell me before? Did I miss a memo or something?
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Anyway, I figure I need to get in on this trend before it catches on and gets completely out of hand. I bet there's a whole bushel and peck of cash to be made on it. |
 Macmilln and Wife
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For example, there's this "eBay" thing. It's an "auction" site. What auctions have to do with the word "bay" or the letter "e" I don't know. On the other hand, a lot of folks seem to be making a killing off of stuff they've got lying around their house, so I suppose they know what they're doing.
Now, I've always prided myself on being a dyed-in-the-wool capitalist, and I've always lived by the axiom that everything has a price, but eBay is living proof! I mean, EVERYTHING is for sale on this blasted thing...stamps, spatulas, star wars toys, and those damn annoying beanie babies. What is it about beanie babies, anyway? Apparently sane grown men and women are willing to spend hundreds of dollars on a senior citizen's craft day project called Squirty the Clam. Good gawd Y'all. Of course I did pick up the KISS set -- you can't be too careful.
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At the top of this list, the holy grail of eBay products, is used underwear. Now I've never thought of used underwear as a particularly lucrative commodity, but apparently, thanks to the large number of middle-aged Japanese businessmen in the world, used women's underwear goes for $300-400 (US) -- that is if it belonged to a particular type of woman (cheerleader, dancer, nun).
Well, a little light went off in the old Alex Ray noggin right then and there. I got right on the horn to my assistant and told her to go right out and get as much used underwear as she could lay her hands on. Two days later, I was set up as a full-out eBay seller with a full line of used undergarments ready for sale. |

This could be yours for the right price |

Every single one of them in High Heel shoes |

Much like these |
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Now, I figured, it was time to branch out of the usual stripper/schoolgirl world and diversify into more unusual types of previous underwear owners. The results were darn fascinating; Methodist Sunday school teacher was a big seller, public school lunch lady not so much . Suburban soccer mom was huge (must be the thought of all that time commuting in the minivan), but I took a bath on the Incontinent Rodeo Clown. Flushed with the success of underwear, I noticed there were an awful lot of people out there buying used shoes too! Now that one knocked me flatter than a boll weevil on the business end of a Mack truck. I mean, underwear I suppose I can understand -- it's spent some time around some body parts that people are understandably fascinated by -- but what's exciting about a foot? It's a foot, for Allah's sake! Still, never let it be said I didn't give the people what they want. Besides, I've got about three hundred folks working in our plant on our private island nation of Farnaq and they don't seem to mind that every Wednesday is Stilletto Heel Day (okay, the fellas were a little reluctant at first, but it's amazing what the power of the dollar can do -- or in this case, the power of the nickel).
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Just goes to show you there is a market for just about anything, well anything but the Jalepeno hickory hamspread flavored lollipops. Heads rolled for that one -- hated to fire my daddy but it had to be done.
Now back about this here internet thingy , I'll tell you it is a bit distracting. I keep meaning to be working on the Outer Mongolia Hamspread sales projection spread sheets, but then my mouse starts to get a hankering for something different. Something daring. Something naughty. I was on one site and they had a lady that you could talk to and she did things on camera for money...we played cards. I beat her by 10 points in rummy.
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I also got to look at our very own site, they actually do put up these little missives I write every month -- who knew? The one thing I do know is that I got to get me another picture, especially now since they haven't been able to get a razor down here, and I look somewhat like Dan Hagerty (TV's Grizzly Adams).
Who knows? I may even keep the old chin carpet -- either that or shave it down to those really cool sideburns Neil Young had in Buffalo Springfield. |
 TV'S Grizzly Addams
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