There's a New Head Buckaroo
By Alex Ray Chairman and Chief Executive Officer | | Jumpin' horny toads, I've been busier than a long-tailed cat in a room full of Freemasons! Ever since I set foot on the grounds of Allied Chemical's Happydale Campus, seems I've been raising quite the ruckus!
See, I'm the new Head Buckaroo of this here cattle ranch. I even tried to get that painted on my door. I just liked the sound of it -- Alex Ray, Head Buckaroo, but then I forgot to tell the fella & he left for the day. |
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It's always tough being the new boss. Everybody's nervous around you, walking on eggshells, 'cause they're wondering what's gonna happen. Who is this guy? What's he going to be like? Do I still have a job? Will he find out about my side business selling printer supplies?
Seems like I can't use my air horn without the mail boy wetting himself and diving behind the ficus tree.
Well, I just can't work in that kind of environment of fear and mistrust. That's why it's always been my policy to fire every one I come in contact with during my first week at any new job and replace them with fraternity brothers. Gives me a warm feeling to know there's a fellow Deke in the office next door. |
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Not to belittle my predecessor, but that boy was dull. Dull as a...dull as a...oh Hell, that boy was so dull I can't even think of a metaphor.
Had to get the office repainted to start with -- nothing but beige everywhere. Beige walls, beige desk, beige phone, beige carpet, beige paintings. Well, he's living off his beige parachute in the Happydale Retirement Complex now that he's gone. As a matter of fact the only thing I found that wasn't beige was this black rubber mask with this bright red ball on a strap. Guess it was his thinkin' cap or something. |
A Very Dull Man
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The Very Exciting ZaSu Pitts
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So now I've got the office exactly how I want it. I like a lot of stuff around. Stimulates my mind -- my collection of implements of medieval torture, life size wax replica of ZaSu Pitts, trophies from various kills. Sometimes I hide behind my eight foot stuffed grizzly bear and scare the bejeezus out of my secretary when she comes in. Anything to break up the day. |
And that's what it's all about, isn't it? You gotta break up the day. Otherwise you're just another mindless drone. And if there's one thing we don't need, it's another mindless drone. We've got plenty of those in the Finance division.
Whoo Nellie, have I got plans for them! I'm headin' down there right now with a Super Soaker and a bag of tacks. Let the games begin!
Oh...and don't you dare forget... |
It's a better world...through chemicals! |
# posted by Alex Ray : Thursday, June 03, 1999